awake dream

he stares into the distorted reflection
as if it were an awake dream,
it is midday yet he wonders where
she will be when the sun sets across
the midwestern horizon;

time zone and geography denied.
why should he care,
why do thoughts even graze
the mind's vision of her visage?
never having had a single touch,

they live vicariously in each
other's imagination;
full of partly rendered images
and half said sentiments,
filling gaps with the desire of hope

and desperation of loneliness.
genies aren't found in closets
so the instinct to lustfully wander
is as strong as waxwings looking for cedars;
albatrosses fleeing familiar shores.

miracles aren't found in god boxes or
behind altars so the desire to mutter
dangerous desires is like a
murder of crows looking for roadkill;
constrictors embracing its meal.

with sunset in the rear view mirror,
she drives east into the violet dusk
her mind on the reflection of
a heart's imagination becoming
clear somewhere in the between.

2007

dream journal sept 1

last night's dream.

i was home in apple valley. it must have been a holiday or some special occasion. there was the anticipation of receiving a gift or gifts. i vaguely remember a pair of boots or something like that. mom baked bread. there were other family members around. i sensed grandma and maybe great grandma. khoi was around, we may have interacted but there was still oddness. there was a beautiful piece of wood or other kind that i wanted to use for something but it ended up in the fireplace. my friend rich visited which was a surprise because he lives far from apple valley. i knew he loves good bread so i gave him a piece of mom's bread and he loved it.

i also remember that i had found an old microscope tucked away in my closet. i pulled it out. it was in its original box.

tattooed images

today an image of that waif came into my mind's eye. it has been a while. since sundown i have been pondering what caused me to think of her after all these months. i wonder where she is. i can see her off-canted downward gaze looking at me. it was the way she would ask a question without words. some images become tattooed into your retina, her gaze is one of those. but i know not of her whereabouts, she has isolated herself as i have isolated myself. we seem to understand each other's loneliness but only move to reinforce it rather than change it. it must be the strangeness of our horse nature...

changing seasons

seasons have changed since i saw her last. the curious expression and smile on her face the last time we met laps at my eye's memory. the image won't go away. i wonder why i'm even writing about it. i don't know what to do with the image nor the feelings that orbit my heart. shapes are forming which i have no control over. what am i to do?

spinning away

there are leagues between she and i. the insides of me attest to this. when i close my eyes to go to sleep, i have a vision of her. i am looking down at her as if i were a butterfly. she looks up, smiles the smile she has when seeing something curious. the bangs of her hair have been disturbed by the breeze. the locks of jet black cascade upon her shoulders as a cape might. then in my mind's eyes i am spun and removed; backward, falling away from the ground. a vision of her sitting on a bed of verdant grass littered with tiny white blossoms. it is cliche and silly but it is what it is. i spin away backward into space and she fades from sight...

confusion

her: we should have a shirt
her: that instructs on how to open an ICAN
me: hey, i like that
me: hahahah
her: yeah, that's cool huh
me: i like shirts that actually can be read like a paragraph you know...
her: we should have a picture of an CAN that has "ICAN" on it
her: then ways to open it
me: hmmm
her: the CAN can have ICAN and logo
her: and then we can have a can opener
me: you crack me up
me: i hereby appoint you the official jester of my foolish court
her: awww
her: i think that's a badass idea
her: ICAN CAN can have little fine print on it...that says, dream, inspire, learn, etc...
her: awww
her: i'd totally go for it
her: if i were uy
her: if i were u art director!
me: well, you seem to sneak your way into art directing me quite effectively so far, haven't you?
me: you are funny. you are so observant yet sometimes there are things you miss
her: there are things i miss, like what?
her: key me in...
me: in time dear, in time
me: patience have you must
her: oh come on
her: help me along the way
her: so i'm less retarded
her: cuz i so am
her: okay, okay, CAN idea for ICAN was bad
her: what do i miss
her: ?
me: the can idea is a great idea
me: i really think it is cute and clever and to the point
me: i'm not telling you today. you just have to be patient
me: just like i was persistent and not impatient in the strange way i've gotten to know you
her: #:-S
me: hahah
me: hate your own medicine huh horse?
her: "understanding like water can flow, can pentrate."
her: "views, knowledge, and even wisdom are solid, and can block the way of understanding."
her: thich nhat hanh
her: thanks for your understanding
me: wow
me: what do you mean thanks for you understanding? you mean me understanding you? do i?
her: i meant, for putting up wih me
her: and my ways
me: of course firefly
me: when i first met you, i knew i would put up with you regardless
me: i have good intuition about things like that
her: hahaha
her: cool
her: glad we're friedns
her: friends
me: yes, i am too
me: who ever would have thought i would meet such a friend at temple. heck i don't even go to temple before ican
her: and know you have a handful of friends
me: yup
me: life is full of mysteries and when i think i'm finished with being confused by one, it gives me another
me: heheh
her: what are you confused about?
me: nothing specific right now, but i'm sure there is something
me: well, that is not totally true
me: there are lots of things to be confused about they just aren't currently on deck in my mind
her: you are confused
her: you are confused about being confused
her: hahahhaha
her: OMG, that is so funny
her: keep reading what you wrote to me
me: yes i know
me: if you only knew the extent of the rest or the subject matter
me: heheh
her: you're crazy
her: i'm convinced
her: !
me: and you then...?
me: is that why we get along?

counting the hours

until the wanderlust is to be quenched and then to return to a new living situation sans crazy housemates. i pray that i don't spread bad karma...

destination: vietnam. the old country. and i'll be traveling with a monk! don't be surprised if i come back head shaved!